were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
