halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
