upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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