My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
