I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
dude. I can hear the air.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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