Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
