Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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