Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
