Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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