My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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