i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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