There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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