im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize