i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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