3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
