You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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