Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
