He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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