does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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