can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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