Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
