but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
