I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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