I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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