I cannot find my penis.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
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by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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