i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
