ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
