just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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