i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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