He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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