she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
