Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
