I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
