I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
