yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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