i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
