somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
