Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
