WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
