How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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