I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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