i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I pour the whiskey from now on
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
