I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize