Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
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We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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