Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
