True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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