why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
