never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
