fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
