when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
