i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
