How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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