she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
