I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
