and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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